Diary, Writing Diary, Writing

Goals Unfulfilled -RemembeRED –

I think there must be a leak some place because over and over goals I’ve made have dripped away, evaporating into lost time.

I knew what I wanted…I knew when I was six..I want to write. Really write. I want to be able to call myself a bona fide writer, and not feel like a complete fraud because it’s not “official”. Sure, I’ve been paid to write here and there, but it’s nothing that will make up a career. That’s what I want.

I’ve set goals, I’ve read books, I’ve got a “dream board” I stare at every day with positive affirmations and things that will help me reach those goals…reach that place in my life where that empty place in my heart sits to fill it up.

I think there must be a leak some place because over and over goals I’ve made have dripped away, evaporating into lost time.  My art teacher in elementary school, Mrs. Knowles used to say, “Time wasted can not be regained.” I can’t remember any piece of art I did back then, but she left an impression on my child-self I’m truly grateful for.

I wonder what the child me would think about the grown up person I’ve become. I think she’d be proud, but she’d wonder why I feel so scared.

“How can you be scared of doing something that makes you happy?” She’d ask, her freckled nose wrinkling up at me.

I’d shrug my shoulders at her and give her one of my well-worn excuses. Excuses are hollow empty things, yet there they are filling up all that lost time.

She’d smile her goofy-gapped tooth grin and say, “Silly, don’t you know what to do when you feel scared?”

I’d shake my head at her.

She’d roll her eyes because the answer was so simple.  “You just close your eyes and think-up good things.” Her eyes would go all soft and dreamy then. “Things like princesses, that ride on unicorns and get to eat cake and ice cream for breakfast. That’s what I do when I’m scared. I make up imaginary worlds where cool things happen.”

Duh.

When did I become so lame?

It happened when I thought about how super-awesome-amazing it would be to be that kid who’d make up stories, who turned into a grown-up who wrote stories people would read, where they’d be transported to a super-awesome-really-cool place where they’d forget themselves…and their fears, or the crappy grade they’d got on their Algebra test because of words on a page that were written by me.

 .....This post was inspired by this week's writing prompt from  Write On Edge -RemembeRED – Unfulfilled   

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Military Life Military Life

The Days Are Swirling Past - Much to Fast

Gosh...who knew three weeks could feel like three days. I'm trying not to think about Sunday. I'm really trying not to think about the days, weeks, and months that will follow. It will inevitably suck at first. We're going to feel his absence. It will be permeable. A thick fog swirling about our feet.

This is the life we chose. I just don't want to feel like my entire year was spent walking through a fog. Hazy, grey, and dull. I want so much for that feeling to be left behind in 2011. For my kids I'm going to try and make this year better than last. I'm going to try to pack so much fun into it that when they're older and they remember the two years spent with out their father they'll say, "Yeah it sucked, but we still managed to have fun and enjoy life."

For myself I'm really going to focus on myself. My goals. My ambitions. My desires for my own life.

I'll talk about that in detail later...

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DIY DIY

A Baptism Momento

This weekend my youngest son Evan was (finally) baptized. My husband and I have been waiting to do this with our family for nearly four years and I am relieved it is done and that it was all so special.

Evan was baptized in an intimate ceremony at our Church. After wards we had our family and friends over for a little celebration. I'll share a few pictures later this week.

 As a memento I made up these little doves (to symbolize the Holy Spirit and reference scripture). They were hung on a grape fine wreath I decorated with white pine cone Christmas garland (we were still officially in the Christmas season of the Catholic calendar) and an artificial dove. I purchased my supplies for the wreath at Michaels. With a coupon (I scanned in from their new iPhone app) the entire wreath cost $15.

The doves were simple little things I found at Ikea of all places. They were on sale after Christmas for $.95 for a pack of four. I wrote Evan's name and the date of his baptism with a silver metallic Sharpie (love those things) and then brushed on some craft glue and sprinkled on white glitter to give them a bit of sparkle.

The entire thing was lovely I think.

 

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